Written by: Angela Watson | Updated: January 2nd, 2019

From My Reader

Dear Angela,

I've been in a committed relationship for some time now, and while I'm completely satisfied emotionally and socially, I'm starting to wish our sex life was a bit more exciting. I'm a male, and we've been together enough to have been through essentially all of the vanilla playbook as far as sex goes. If it's on a list of top 10 sex positions, we've done it. My problem with our sex life isn't that it's bland, it's that it's just a bit too vanilla after all of this time together.

What I'm curious about is how to go about making her more receptive and open to being open to new and perhaps more kinky sexual encounters. She's naturally a very shy and reserved person so I'm scared she might think of me as some kind of deviant afterwards and like she isn't pleasing me. All I'd like to know is how I should go about seeing if she's up for some spicier kinds of sexual play.

Eager to hear from you,
Experimental

My Response

Well Experimental, I actually get asked this question a lot and there's a few different bases I need to cover before we get into the meat of this article.

Firstly, you need to make sure you're framing your desires from a healthy point of view. By this I mean you should be asking yourself how can I make her want to get the point where she's willing to be more experimental as opposed to how do I make her more experimental. It should be coming from both sides. If she's only doing it to appease you she won't be getting into it and if you're any kind of in tune with her you'll be able to pick up on it and it will be a major mood killer to think you're forcing your girlfriend to do something she doesn't want to do.

Secondly, your desire for things to be a bit different doesn't mean that she isn't satisfying you sexually, it's just that at this point you want dinner to be more than the steak & mashed potatoes that you're used to. There should be no worries about exploring your sexual tastes and worrying about turning her off, but you should definitely work her up gradually as opposed to going straight for the bondage ropes and robotic sex machines. Manage any possible anxieties she might have by telling her what you really enjoy about your current sexual relationship and what she does right. Reassure her that you're satisfied and not about to start looking elsewhere to get your jollies, just that you're curious where things could go next. To keep your anxiety at bay, keep in mind that while she may be shy and reserved in her daily life, she could have some sexual desires brewing that might take you by surprise, so there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Any healthy relationship is built on communication. It might require some waiting on your part for the perfect moment, but start easing her into discussing her sexuality and things she'd like to try. A good way to start this conversation is by talking about what kind of things she does that makes you go crazy for her in the bedroom and get feedback from her as to what she likes from you. Based on what she likes, you can logically progress those particular things to being a bit more out there. For instance, if she likes being spanked with a hand, then she's probably receptive to being spanked by something else like say, a paddle. If she's not really giving you a lot to work with, you might have to put some ideas forward yourself. Talking about things like 50 Shades Of Grey can help you talk about the matter in a way that's less forceful and more just you getting a feel for what she might be open to in the future. 

Speaking as candidly and realistically as possible is best here. No beating around the bush, no judgmental or argumentative tactics, just two adults having an adult conversation about adult subject matter. Simple.

Each and every one of her concerns or preconceived notions should be understood and talked about as part of how she sees sex as opposed to a problem you need to overcome. Consider all of her points carefully and try and think about where she might be coming from. Some people are apprehensive about kink play because it might seem dangerous or too outside of social norms. Carefully explaining to her that you just wish to be more intimate and would like to try some things out to see if you both like them is a very healthy starting point. If things don't seem to be going your way, don't be afraid to drop the subject temporarily to give her more time to think about what you've talked about and approach her again at a later date.

Something a lot of my clients respond that worked well was that they told their partners that they'd never expect them to do anything they wouldn't personally want to have done to themselves, and have told them that they can be in the position of giving it out before they have to receive it. I've had men come into my office and tell me that after letting their girlfriends perform some anal play on them, they were way more open to further anal play since they now know it isn't anything to be afraid of. If you're willing to have your heiny scratched, they're more likely to return the favor.

Try and think up where you'd like to go sexually and work your way up to it bit by bit. For instance, instead of jumping right to public sex try and see if she'd be willing to go out with you wearing a wearable vibrator while you have the remote control. It's all about taking baby steps and working through the issue with your partner with tons of communication and support for how she feels.

At the end of the day, it takes two to make any aspect of a relationship work and you should understand that you have a right to voice your concerns and she has the right to respond to them however she feels. If you aren't getting the response you'd like, just drop the subject instead of making it a huge issue. If there isn't good back and forth, it isn't going to work out in your favor and you might end up with no sex at all.

Bottom line is to make her feel safe and secure with you sexually and that things are coming from a perspective of wanting to be closer as intimate human beings and less from a perspective of hedonistic desire.

Hope that helps!
Angela​​​​

About Angela Watson

I'm a sex therapist by day and a sex blogger by night. I love to crush the taboos surrounding sex toys and help people become more sexually liberated. There's no topic too risqué for me to cover and I hope to educate and inform my readers on all things sex. All things that concern the female anatomy or require a more clinical approach than my husband Don can provide is covered by me.

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