Daddy Dom: How to Get Into a New Kink
Make It Sexciting!
Written by: Angela Watson | Updated: June 22nd, 2021
The word “kink” is a loaded one: as sexual beings, we all have a different opinion about what is kinky, and what isn’t. A particular sex act could be adventurous for one person, and a routine event for another.
There can also be a lot of shame around the kinks. Many mainstream media and social influences tell us there is really only a handful of way to have sex “correctly”, and anything that diverts from that is strange or wrong.
For these very reasons, bringing up kink with your patner, whether you have been with them for a long time or you have entered into something new, can be a nerve wracking or awkward conversation.
What if they do not like what you are into? What if they see you differently after? These inner questions that we grapple with before we get into a new kink with our partners can complicate what may very well be an exciting new chapter in a person’s sex life.
And emphasis on the word “exciting”. In consentual relationships, sex educators agree that kinky sex is normal, safe, and more popular than you probably think.
In fact, as discovered by the 2015 Sexual Exploration in America study, at least 20% of adults have experimented with being tied up and spanked during sex. Furthermore, the findings tell us that more than 22% of American adults enjoy role-play with their partner, and this is just a small, small sample of all the adventurous kinks couples can play with.
If that does not convince you enough that kink is more wide-spread than society would like you to believe, get this: another survey conducted by The Journal of Sex Research tells us that of the 1,040 sexually active adults they surveyed, approximately half of the respondents were interested in kinky sex.
So, as you can tell, more and more people are beginning to open up their minds and sex lives to explore their most “taboo” fantasies. And, to help you out on your path to kinkier sex, in today’s article I am going to explain more about different kinds of kinky sex and fetish, why you should explore your fantasies, how to get into kink with your partner, and the ever important topic of aftercare.
What is Kink?
Fact: kinky sex is more than just what you see in Fifty Shades of Grey.
In reality, that film and novel franchise has received a lot of criticism for reinforcing certain misconceptions about kinks like BDSM and Daddy Dom as abusive or only set on causing pain. The world of kink extends much wider than handcuffs, whips, and chains, and is a lot more complex that an erotic sex scene in a blockbuster film.
So, what exactly is kink? For a lot of people, kinky sex is anything that goes beyond penetrative, heteronormatic sex. Really, any sex act that is more adventurous than common things like flirting, vaginal sex, oral sex, kissing, and masturbation could be considering kinky sex, depending on who you are talking to, of course.
Different Kinds of Kinks
Before you consider how to get into a new kink, allow me to introduce you to some of the most popular fetishes within the kink community.
This four letter word is actually an acronym for six different ideas: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. If reading that list excited you, you may be interested in exploring this kink, and it is one of the most popular kinks that people imagine when the think about the phrase kinky sex.
BDSM is really an umbrella term for a wide range of kinky sex acts, including dominant/submissive role play, pain play, bondage, spanking, and more.
Daddy Dom is a form of dominant/ submissive role playing where the dominant “daddy” takes care of the kinky sexual desires of their submissive partner. While “daddy” is a term that connotes masculinity, Daddy Dom kink play can happen in heterosexual and same sex relationships alike.
A lot of people, upon hearing the word “daddy”, mistake this role-play kink for playing out inset. This is incorrect. Rather, the term “daddy” to the Daddy-Dom community is a term of endearment, like someone calling their partner baby or babe.
When someone is in to fetish play, it means that they are aroused by the idea of a non sexual object or body part being incorporated into sex. Popular examples of festish play include feet, leather, latex, or bodily fluids.
As its name implies, the kink community that engages in group sex seeks out consenual sexual encounters between three or more people. This can include threesomes, orgies, or sex parties.
In this kink, one person engages in humiliation of their partner during sex, although the act is agreed upon and exciting for the couple (read: no one actually gets their feelings hurt).
Erotic humiliation can range from calling your partner demeaning names during sex, to the act of cuckholding, where a couple agrees to have one partner watch the other engage in sex with a third person.
According to a survey completed in 2017 by The Journal for Sex Research, 35% of respondants where interested in voyerism (although each of those individuals may have a different idea of what voyeurism is). To some, voyeurism includes watching their partner undress or pleasure themselves. In other cases, voyeurism can involve watching another couple have sex.
Again, this is not a complete list of the kinks and fetishes available to people who want to learn how to get into a new kink. They are simply the ones I hear most about in my line of work! Really, kink can include almost anything two (or more!) consensual adults might dream up!
How to Get into a New Kink
Step 1: Explore
The first step to how to get into a new kink, is to discover what kind of kinky sex or fetish you are into, And this, my readers, is going to require some fun and adventurous self pleasure sessions.
Yes, the exploration part must be done alone. As the saying goes, “know thyself”: in order to bring up kink with your partner, it will help you communicate more successfully if you have a specific idea in mind.
This can help you avoid the trap of saying something like, “I want to be more adventurous” to your partner, without establishing what that even means to both of you, and then consequently not being able to actually act on anything.
To explore your deepest, darkest fantasies, use your imagination while you masturbate, and think about the thoughts and sensations that really get you off. You might also turn to porn to learn just exactly what kind of kinky sex turns you on. While this can totally work in order to explore your desires, keep in mind that what you see in porn should be taken with a grain of salt, as it is still a construction of a fantasy, and not (for the most part) real sex.
Step 2: Communicate
I will be honest with you, readers: in most cases, the exploration is the fun part, while the communication requires more thoughtfulness and work. As well, communication is hands down the most important part of how to discover a new kink with your partner.
In all honesty, you will want to tread lightly with your communication, and be an open and supportive listener for your partner. If you disregard their response, or worse yet, don’t engage in conversation at all, you may be putting your partner in an unsafe or non consensual situation, and that is entirely opposite of what kink is all about.
So, when it comes to communication, I have two strict rules for you all…
Rule #1: Be Open and Honest
When you are first communicating with your partner about your desire to explore a new kink, you want it to be a no pressure situation for them. Therefore, it is best to hold this conversation outside of the bedroom, and definitely not during sex, when someone might feel pressured to comply.
I suggest bringing it up during a car ride, while watching TV, or over a meal. It can be a casual suggestion like, “I think role-playing a scene like that would be really hot. Do you think you might be down for something like that?”
If you are nervous about bringing up a kink to your partner, do not be afraid to share that! Saying something like, “I want to talk to you about something that is important to me, but it's intimate so I have been hesitating to bring it up. Can we chat privately after dinner tonight?” is entirely appropriate and shows your willingness to be vulnerable with your partner.
Rule #2: Ask for Consent
When you ask for consent, you are asking your partner to agree to engage in a sexual act with you. You need to ask for consent just as often in a long term relationship as you would in a new relationship: you must never assume you have a person’s consent.
As well, once tends not to be enough, especially when it comes to more adventurous kink play. Get into the habit of asking for consent frequently during sex to make sure that you are your partner always feel welcomed to communicate each other’s needs.
Step 3: Research
As I mentioned in Step #1, successful communication with your partner does require you to be specific. Research can help with that.
When you and your partner know what kink you want to explore, a quick Google search will connect you both to a plethora of information surrounding that topic.
It can be fun to do the research part together, to imagine all the naughty possibilities that you two can experiment with. This way, can you also both develop a really clear common understanding of what kind of kink you both want to try, and how to talk about it together in a way that makes sense to both of you.
You will want to learn about things like what kind of toys or accessories you want to bring into the bedroom to explore your kink with. For kinky sex that includes more advanced activities like pain play or bondage, you definitely want to familiarize with how to perform these acts properly to ensure the safety of both partners.
Step 4: Make a Safe Word
A lot of kinky sex requires people to step out of their comfort zone, and explore sensations like being tied up or restrained. Sometimes, couples like to push the boundaries of their erotic fantasies with pain play. Along with asking for consent throughout the sexual encounter, couples should also develop a safe word.
Think about it: a lot of times when you want something to stop, you will say “stop” or “no”. But, in kinkier sex like BDSM or role play, “stop” or “no” could be mistaken for you just really getting into the fantasy. This is avoided by a safe word- an word that is agreed upon before sex that when said, puts pause on the sexual activity and tells your partner to check in on you. You want it to be something random that cannot be mistaken as role play, for example “red light” or “pineapple”.
Step 5: Baby Steps!
When you are beginning to discover a new kink with your partner, be prepared to take things slow.
Establishing a plan can help with this; before you have kinky sex, you and your partner should talk through and agree on the acts that will happen between the two of you, before you take off your clothes.
A lot of kinks exist on a spectrum, ranging from more beginner activities to more advanced and adventure sex acts. Don’t be afraid to start with the simple stuff, see how it feels for both you and your partner, and work yourselves up from there.
Jumping the gun and going too extreme too soon with kinky sex can also put you or your partner at risk of physical injury, or losing trust between each other. This kind of intimacy is something you want to work on and practice over a long period of time.
Some fun beginner kink activities to test the waters include experimenting with blindfolds, hand restraints, dirty talk, spanking, or biting.
Step 6: Aftercare
Did you know that what you do after kinky sex is just as important- if not more important- than what you do during it?
Let me introduce you to aftercare, a way to come out of kinky sex, and check in on your partner both mentally and physically once the fun is over.
Aftercare is so important during kink and fetish play, because in these scenarios, one or both partners may have experienced consensual bondage, humiliation, pain, or physical and mental control during sex. Therefore, it is crucial to take time after sex to allow each other come down from that intense headspace, and back to reality.
Some great ways to create an aftercare routine with your partner include cuddling after sex, sharing words of affirmation, or gently kissing or massaging your partner. It can also help to go over the sex you just had, and talk about the parts that each person really enjoyed or maybe would not want to do again.
Sometimes, couples want to get out of an intimate headspace all together after sex, and opt for aftercare that includes enjoying snacks together after sex, watching a movie, playing video games, or taking a nap together.
Keep in mind, aftercare does not have to happen only after really intense BDSM sex. This is a created routine to establish after every sexual encounter, to make sure both partners feel safe and cared for by each other.
Consider establishing an aftercare routine before you have sex, so that you already know the best way to care for your partner afterward. A simple question like, “Hey, after sex want to wind down with a movie and pizza, or is there something else you would prefer?” is totally acceptable.
Why Explore Kinky Sex?
The answer to this question is a varied one! If you are intrigued by the idea of spicing up your sex life with kink, here are some reasons to give kink a chance:
It can change your perspective on life
Big promise, right? Well, in 2013 the National Library of Medicine found that people who took part in safe and consensual BDSM sex were more willing to try new things (even outside of the bedroom), more careful many aspects of their life, more extroverted, and took to rejection better.
It can strengthen your relationship
This is my favourite point about kinky sex, so it is the one I will leave you with. As you have already read, introducing kinky sex into the bedroom requires open communication, trust, and immense care for your partner. Embarking on the journey to kinker sex together will ask of you two to reach new levels of openness and intimacy. In all, when done with consent and care, kinky sex can form a unique and trusting bond between two people, strengthening both your sex life and your relationship.
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